TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from location. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let's have A different spot where American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present Every person a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he ought to halt working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the developing's gold Trump Tower Damascus plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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